Like Wings on a Butterfly
PART 4
Katie woke up early that
morning and found Jessie staring at her. "Good morning, Billie. How long have
you been awake?"
"Good morning to you too. Only a few minutes. I was enjoying watching you sleep.
I've never gotten to do that before."
"Did I do anything embarassing, like drool?"
"Goofball. No. You were just sleeping. You looked really peaceful and happy."
"Of course, I was dreaming about you!" They share a kiss and get ready to go to
breakfast. The meal is uneventful, unless you count Katie having to just about
sit on her hands at one point so she didn't reach for Jessie's. The girls' eyes
keep meeting across the table and Jessie really wants to take Katie's hand too
but she is scared. As soon as they get in the car, Jessie reaches for Katie's
hand. "Can you drive like this?"
"I think I can definately manage that."
"Katie?" Jessie was almost crying.
"Billie, what is it? Don't cry.....what's wrong?" Katie quickly pulls the car
into an empty parking lot.
"I'm sorry. This just.....I mean.....I'm too.....you're...."
Katie felt a knife going through her heart. {I knew last night was too good to
be true....she's going to break up with me.....she can't deal....what am I going
to do?} She took a very deep breath and tried to compose herself. "Jess,
it's alright. Whatever it is, you can tell me, you know that. You have nothing
to be sorry about."
"Yes I do. I feel horrible. I m so confused. I care about you so much and I want
to show it, but I am terrified of what people think. I saw how hard it was for
you just now not to take my hand. I wanted to hold yours too. I can't keep doing
this to you. I want to go out and do stuff with you but it's not fair to you to
make you hide."
The knife slipped out a little. "So, you don't wanna break up with me then? You
aren't sorry we're together?"
"NO!!! Of course not, oh my god, Katie, is that what you thought? I am so sorry.
I don't wanna lose you, I just feel bad that I am holding you back." Jessie
threw her arms around Katie and burrowed her head in Katie's shoulder.
"Billie, I was so scared. I meant what I said last night. I don't have a problem
not showing affection in public or when we are with your family. I don't have to
hang all over you to know how I feel or know how you feel about me. I don't
wanna lose you either. You aren't holding me back, please don't ever think that
again. You don't have anything to be sorry about, alright?"
"Ok. As long as you are sure."
"I have never been more sure of anything in my life. Here, let me get you a
tissue. If we were alone I would kiss your tears away."
"I don't see anyone around here. I would like that very much."
Katie's face lit up. She rained kisses all over Jessie's face. "That's much
better. No more tears. I hate seeing you cry....I wish I could wrap you in my
purple sweater and never let anyone hurt you again."
"So do I, but I have a feeling the next few months are going to bring a fair
amount of pain, I mean, I am planning to tell people about us soon, you know?"
"We will do it together. As long as we are together, you will never have to face
anything alone, Jessie. It will be fine."
"I know. We can get through anything together. Oh, before we go, come here,
Katie." Jessie returned Katie's kisses even though Katie's tears did not show on
her face. After a few minutes, Jessie reluctantly sat up. "We'd better go. I
have a feeling I am going to need all the time in the session today to deal with
this."
"Alright. We'll get there on time, don't worry." Katie reached over and took
Jessie's hand again. "Is this ok? I figured since you took mine before you
know?"
"Of course. For future reference, you never have to ask about hand holding when
we're alone in your car. Anything to feel close to you."
Finally they got to Dr. McTaggart's office. "I forget, am I picking you up?"
"I'm sorry, I thought I told you. Mom said she would, she wants us to have some
girl time together, something about sundaes and some sappy movie, I think she
said "Gone With the Wind?"
"No, that's fine. I should probably go spend some time with my family anyway
too. Will you call me later?"
"Of course. Maybe we can do something tomorrow if you want?"
"Sounds good. Bye, Billie."
"Bye, Katie." Jessie walked into Dr. McTaggart's office. "Hi Jill."
"Hi Jessie. How has your week been?"
"Happy, wonderful, confusing and stressful all at the same time. Remember last
week, when we talked about what Grace told me about my friend, Katie?"
"Yes?"
"Well, even after our talk, I was scared. I avoided her Monday, she wrote me a
letter on Tuesday and I got even more scared, and confused, and so I stayed home
Wednesday and Thursday, then we talked Thursday night. Just so you don't have to
ask, the letter was basically her pouring her heart out to me, telling me
exactly how she felt about me. That she had feelings for me that were stronger
than friendship. It freaked me out but it also helped several things make sense.
I felt more alive than I had in a long time, but I was also terrified. I talked
to her online on Thursday and then at school yesterday and she spent the night
last night and we went out to breakfast before she dropped me off."
"You seem happier than I have seen you in a long time. It's good that you got
your feelings resolved."
"That's just it. I haven't. I know how I feel about Katie, and she knows how she
feels about me and we both know how we feel about each other, but I don't know
what to do now. I mean, last year I was the girl with anorexia, I m not sure if
I am ready to have everyone talking about me now cause I like girls, not to
mention letting my parents down, but I really care about Katie, I think I may
even love her, and I wanna be with her and spend time with her, and I also feel
like I am letting her down by hiding who I am in public."
"What does Katie say about this?"
"She says she is ok with waiting as long as we can be ourselves in private,
which we can be until I tell my family, after that I am afraid there won't be
any more chances for us to be alone. I don't know if I believe her though, that
she is really ok with waiting. At breakfast, she wanted to take my hand so bad,
but she stopped herself for me. I tried to break up with her after that, because
it is not fair for her to be with someone who is not out."
"So Katie is out?"
"Yep. Her family ignores it, I dont think they don't really pay alot of
attention to her anyway, but everyone at school knows too and they don't care.
EVERYONE still talks to her. I mean, we walk down the hall together and I bet 10
people say hi to her any given passing period. I still can't believe she chose
ME when she could have had any girl in the school."
"Jessie. I thought we worked through your self esteem problems. You have a lot
going for you also. You are just quiet. There is nothing wrong with that. Trust
Katie. She seems like a very genuine person. So, ok, Katie is not pressuring you
to come out. When you do, she will be there for you and will take care of anyone
who comments, I am sure, but you are scared about what they will say. It wont be
as bad as you think, and it will be easier because you have someone who cares
about you. In the sessions with yourfamily, I have also seen that they care
about you a lot. It will shock them a little at first, I'm sure but I really
dont think they would be disappointed in you. I am sure they see the change in
you, even in just the last week and they will be supportive of whatever it is
that makes you feel this way. You don't have to tell them right now, but just
think about it, you will feel alot better, and you won't have to hide anymore.
All the patients I have had that have had secrets like this have said the same
thing, the hiding is the worst. Sitting and thinking about how people are going
to react is much scarier then how they actually do it. Promise me you will at
least think about it, and we can talk more next time ok?"
"I promise. I will think about it. Thanks, Jill."
"You're welcome. See you in 2 weeks, Jessie. If you want to come back before to
talk about this, just call."
Jessie walks out and gets into Karen's car. "Hey honey. How was the session?"
"Hi Mom. It was good. She's helping me."
"I'm glad. I have all the stuff for the ice cream and "Gone with the Wind" at
home, do you need anything?"
"No, I m fine."
"Henry asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner tonight, will that bother you,
honey?"
"Not at all, mom. I like Henry. I can find something to do, I'm sure."
Just then, they pass a wedding just letting out of a church. "I cannot wait till
we can plan your wedding, Jess."
Jessie didn't know what to say. She started to feel even worse. Luckily they
pulled into the driveway then and Karen didn't notice Jessie's silence. They
went in the house and made sundaes and watched the movie.
"I love this movie. Thanks for watching it with me, Jess."
"You're welcome, Mom. I had fun."
"I wanted to get something new to wear on my date with Henry tonight, are you up
for the mall?"
"Sure, I want a new outfit too." They head out and spend a pleasant afternoon
shopping. Jessie thinking the whole time about who to tell first, what to say to
them, when to say it. It takes all her concentration not to blurt her secret out
to her mom. She wants to find the right time and place to tell everyone, but she
isn't sure what that is yet.