Here Without You
Author's
notes:
Author's Note 2: Yeah, I thought it would only end up being 3 parts, but
as I
wrote, it kept getting longer and longer, so I thought I'd divide
part 3 into sections a and b.
Feedback:
Yes please! Gardenia1786@yahoo.com
The symbol ~ before and after a paragraph means memories.
**********
~
Everything I know, and anywhere I go,
It gets hard but it won't take away my love.
~
~*~ Flashback~*~
Jessie went back up to her room, shut the door, and laid down on her
bed. The tears began to flow as she thought about what Katie had said
to her. Katie was right, and she knew it. But what if they did tell
everyone? They would be considered gay even if they really weren't.
Jessie sighed. 'But does it really matter what people think?' She
wondered and reflected on that for awhile. To Katie, it may not
matter what people think... but to her... to her it did.
She was a bit envious of Katie sometimes... she was beautiful and
popular. Everyone looked up to her, and no one ever dared to make fun
of her. She wondered if that's what it would be like for her if
people knew she dated Katie? Would she suddenly become popular by
association? Would people be nice to her, and not stare and make fun
of her? But what happens after that? What happens when Katie goes off
to college, and she is still stuck at school, or, heaven forbid, if
they were to break up. Then what? Would people go back to staring and
pointing at her in the halls. Whispering something about her like,
'Do you see Jessie Sammler over there? She used to be an anorexic
sicko, and now she's gay! I heard shes' slept with half of the girls
in her class.' or something to that awful extent. She shivered at the
thought. Like she had told Katie, she couldn't deal with that any
longer. She couldn't come out, not now, not at least until she got to
college. But would Katie wait that long? Would she want to? She knew
Katie loved her... but did she love her that much? Jessie couldn't
answer that.
She knew right then that even if Katie loved her that much, that she
couldn't put her through that. She wasn't ready to have the kind of
relationship that Katie wanted, and Jessie didn't want to hold her
back.
She knew what she had to do. It pained her... she didn't particularly
want to, but it was the only answer. 'It's only for a year, maybe
two.' she told herself. She picked up the phone and dialed a familiar
number.
"Hello?"
"Hey Lily, can I speak to my dad please?"
"Oh, hey Jessie, sure hold on a second, let me find him."
"Thanks." There was a pause, and some muffled voices before her dad
answered.
"Jess?"
"Hey daddy."
"Do what do owe the pleasure of this call?"
Jessie took a deep breath. "I want to come live with you guys in
Australia." She heard Rick cough, or choke, to be more precise.
"You what?"
"I want to come live with you and everyone else." Rick was quiet for
a long time. He hadn't in a million years thought that Jessie would
say this. After the huge deal she made out of staying back in the
states... wow.
Jessie was worried. She hadn't exactly known what to expect when she
called her father... but she hoped with everything in her that he'd
say yes... it would sure save her a lot of problems if she did go to
live with them.
"Ok." Jessie blinked.
"Really?"
"Yes, you can come live with us. When should we expect you?" Jessie
thought for several moments.
"Give me to the end of next week to get everything together, and I'll
call you so you can get me a plane ticket."
"Ok, sounds good. Can I ask what changed your mind to where you want
to live?"
"Maybe when I get there, daddy." She said, hoping that Rick would
understand that this wasn't exactly something that she wanted to
discuss.
"Alrighty then, we'll plan to see you next week then. Love you,
honey."
"Love you too, daddy. And thanks."
"You're welcome. Bye"
"Bye" Jessie said as she hung up the phone. She sure hoped she knew
what she was doing. Now came the hard part... talking to Karen.
~*~End Flashback~*~
~
When the last one falls, when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
~
~*~Flashback~*~
Katie paced around her room. It had been three very long days since
that fateful afternoon. Jessie had done everything she could to avoid
her, including skipping school that Friday. Now it was Sunday, and
Katie was a little more than worried.
It hurt her, what Jessie said. It was hard for her *not* to tell
everyone that she loved Jessie, then to find out that Jessie didn't
want anyone to know...it was almost too much. The only reason that
she didn't let Jessie go right then and there was, in truth, Katie
loved her more than life itself. She wasn't sure what she'd do
without Jessie around.
Katie got tired of pacing and sat down in front of her computer. She
stared at the screen, at the wallpaper she made from a picture of her
and Jessie taken after the school play, on the night of the party.
She was so happy that night... she had just chosen Jessie over Sarah,
and she was sure she had made the right decision.
Katie drummed her fingers on the desk and thought back to the fun
times that they had shared. She was startled out of her daydreams by
the phone ringing. She begrudgingly picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Katie"
"Jessie! Where have you been? I've been worried about you!"
Jessie ignored her. "I need to talk to you. Can you come over?"
"Right now?" Katie asked as she swallowed. 'This can not be good...'
she thought.
"Yes, right now."
"Ok, I'll be over in 15."
"Thanks, bye." And with that, Jessie hung up the phone.
Katie wasn't sure what to make of all of it. All she knew was it
couldn't be a good thing. Jessie had sounded so distant and cold over
the phone... she had never talked to her like that before.
Katie quickly got her coat and left. On the way over to Jessie's
house, she turned the radio up as loud as she could stand. She pulled
into Jessie's driveway several minutes later and sat there,
attempting to collect herself and prepare for the worst. She got out
of the jeep and walked up to the door, where Jessie stood waiting.
"Hey" Jessie said, not making any movement to make body contact.
Katie stood there and returned the greeting. There was an awkward
silence as they stood on the front porch until Jessie broke it.
"Do you want to go inside?"
"Sure." And so they did. Katie followed Jessie up to her room, and
shut the door behind them out of habit. Jessie seated herself in the
middle of her bed and motioned for Katie to sit facing her. Katie did
so, and Jessie folded her hands in her lap.
Jessie had rehearsed all day what she was going to say to Katie, but
now that she was sitting here in front of her, she couldn't remember
a word of it.
Katie stared at her intently, waiting... just waiting. She wasn't
going to rush Jessie. She could tell that the other girl was nervous
by the way she was fidgeting uncomfortably. All she knew is whatever
Jessie had to say next couldn't be good. Jessie raised her eyes to
Katie's and began to speak.
"Katie, there's something I need to tell you." Katie nodded solemnly,
and Jessie took a deep breath then continued.
"I'm going to live with my father." Jessie said as Katie stared at
her blankly. "I'm moving to Australia."
Katie felt as if someone had punched her in the stomach. The full
force of what Jessie just said started to register with her.
"Australia..." Katie repeated, still in shock. Jessie nodded.
"Yes."
"Why?" She saw Jessie think for a moment before answering. "Because
dad wants me to, and I think it would be a very good experience."
Katie couldn't believe what Jessie had just said to her. This girl
sitting in front of her swore not more than a few months ago that she
would never move to Australia... and now.... Katie shook her head.
"No." She whispered, as the tears began to rise, and fall.
Jessie nodded sadly as she looked on at the girl in front of her, the
girl who's heart she had just broken. She knew she was lucky to have
someone like Katie, she just didn't know how lucky she really was.
She ached at seeing Katie in so much pain, and knowing that she was
the cause. When she imagined this, she didn't see Katie acting this
way, probably because she had never acted this way in front of her
before. She didn't know what she was expecting... but this wasn't it.
Jessie was torn. Part of her wanted to call it off... and to hold
Katie and assure the crying girl in front of her that it would be all
right. But the half of her that longed for acceptance, for perfection
was stronger, and it held her back. 'I guess Grace really was
right... 'Perfect Jessie couldn't possibly be in love with a GIRL.''
she thought sadly. She pushed all those thoughts aside and returned
her attention to the girl in front of her. Jessie was slammed with
the raw emotions that she saw on Katie's face, in Katie's eyes... and
she truly began to understand how much she hurt this girl. The look
in her eyes... the look of anger, hurt... betrayal... that was
something she'd never forget. Jessie's heart ached, and she too began
to cry.
"No." Katie whispered with more determination, her jaw clenched as
the tears flowed down her face. "You can't."
"I'm sorry. So very sorry." Jessie whispered as she reached out her
hand to touch Katie's hand, but Katie pulled away, as if the touch
would burn her. She quickly stood up and ran out of the room. Jessie
followed immediately, and caught up with her at Katie's jeep.
"Katie, please don't be mad. Please don't go! I'm sorry!" She cried
as Katie got in the Jeep and closed the door.
"I..." Katie started, but her voice broke. "I have to go." And with
that, she closed the door and drove off, leaving Jessie in the
driveway crying.
~
Jessie sat in the airport terminal, waiting to board her plane. Karen
had dropped her off an hour early, so by the time she got through
everything, she figured she had about 10 or 15 minutes left. [Keep in
mind, that this is all pre 9/11, so airports moved a lot faster back
then]. She reached down into her backpack and pulled out one of the
latest teen magazines that her mother had gotten for her so she would
have something to read on the plane. She had been thumbing through it
for several minutes when she heard a familiar voice.
"There you are! I've been looking all over for you!" Jessie turned
around and found herself looking into a pair of very beautiful, yet
very familiar, mossy green eyes. She was speechless. She hadn't
expected this, not in a million years. She thought when Katie drove
away a couple of days ago, that she would never see her again... but
here she was, standing in front of her. She wasted no more time, and
reached over and pulled Katie into a hug.
"What.... what are.... " Katie smiled as Jessie fumbled with her
words.
"I called your mom today. She told me where and when to find you."
Jessie melted, and Katie went on.
"I couldn't let you leave without seeing you again. And I have
something I wanted to give you. I was saving this till Christmas,
but.... well.... yeah." Katie gave a small smile. She pulled a little
box out of her purse and handed it to Jessie. "I wanted you to have
this before you left."
Jessie looked at Katie, then down at the box. She opened it, and
inside lay a gold chain with half a gold heart. Engraved on it was
the beginning of the word 'forever'. Jessie's eyes sparkled.
"It's beautiful." She lifted the necklace out and held it up. "Put it
on for me?" She asked. Katie smiled and put it around Jessie's neck.
After she had latched it Jessie asked where the other half was,
already knowing the answer. Katie tugged on the similar gold chain
around her neck and revealed the other half of the heart from
underneath her shirt. Jessie picked up her half, and together they
made the heart whole.
"Now boarding for flight 1370 non-stop to Australia." Jessie's smile
faded, and she furrowed her brow.
"That's my flight." she said glumly. Katie's face fell.
"I don't quite have to leave yet." She said hopefully. "I probably
still have a few minutes before the final boarding call." She said.
Katie nodded, but couldn't quite smile. The thought of Jessie's
immediate departure was just too depressing.
"This is my heart, Jessie." She said, while pointing to the
necklace. "It'll will always be broken with out you." She said as she
removed her half. "You're my other half." She smiled sadly. "My
better half. And I'll always be incomplete without you." Jessie felt
the tears well up in her eyes, and one spilled over.
"I have something else for you." She said, as she reached back into
her purse. This time she drew out an envelope. "Don't open it till
you're on the plane... or you miss me." Jessie gave her a sad smile.
"I already miss you." Jessie said. She didn't have anything to give
Katie, but she reached into her backpack and pulled out her notebook.
She fished out a pen and began to write. Katie looked on a bit
confused, but didn't ask what she was writing. Jessie scrawled a few
things, then folded the paper and handed it to Katie.
"The same goes for you. Don't open it till you leave, or till you
miss me." Katie took the letter, and they stood there, memorizing
each other's features. Jessie was the first to break the silence.
"I love you, Katie."
"I love you too, Jessie." Katie cupped Jessie's cheek in her hand,
massaging the soft skin with her thumb. Jessie closed her eyes, she
was determined to remember this feeling forever. She took the palm of
Katie's hand and kissed it.
"Last boarding call for flight 1370" rang through the terminal.
Jessie felt as the tears that welled up in her eyes slowly began to
fall. She leaned over and kissed Katie soundly on the lips then
rested her head against the other girls'.
"I have to go." She said. Katie nodded.
"Goodbye, Katie Singer." Jessie saw as a single tear fall from one of
Katie's eyes as she turned around and went to board the plane.
Katie stood and watched as Jessie walked down the ramp, looking back
only once to wave, then she was gone.
"Goodbye, Jessie Sammler. I'll always love you, no matter what." She
whispered as she walked over to the glass, to watch the plane. She
watched as it backed out of the terminal, as it taxied, and finally,
as it became airborne, only then did she walk out of the airport and
into the crisp autumn evening. "No matter what."
~
Jessie sat facing the window on the plane, trying to suppress her
tears. If she hadn't been completely convinced that leaving was the
right thing to do, she wouldn't be doing it. Though it was killing
her right then, she believed that it was for the best.
She reached down into her backpack and drew out the envelope that
Katie had given her, just moments before. She carefully opened it,
and pulled out the letter. She closed her eyes and smelled it. It
smelled exactly like Katie did. She opened her eyes, unfolded the
letter, and began to read.
Billie,
I'm sorry about the way I acted the other night. I was shocked,
confused, and upset. I've been moping around for the last few days,
until I realized that I was being selfish. If I really and truly love
you as much as my heart tells me I do, then I would let you go.
You're right, Australia is a wonderful opportunity, and I'm sure it
will be a great experience. Just know that you go with my blessing
(if that means anything). I'm sorry if I did or said something that
made you want to leave, and I'm sorry for being so selfish about you.
The only reason is because I love you so much. Just know that
whatever happens, whatever changes, one thing will always remain the
same: my love for you.. I'll let you go free now, hoping that one day
you'll come back to me, because I think... no, I know you're worth
the wait. And I will wait for you, whether it be a month, a year, or
even several years. I'll wait for you, because I know, beyond a
shadow of a doubt, that you're worth it.
I miss you so very much.
I love you, forever and always.
Yours, and only yours,
Katie Singer.
Jessie read the letter over several more times, only stopping when
the tears in her eyes burned so badly it made it hard for her to
read. She carefully folded the letter back up, and stuck it into her
backpack.
~
Katie sat in her car, crying her heart out. Jessie was gone. Jessie
was on her way to a different country. It was still hard to grasp.
She wiped her eyes, and remembered the letter Jessie wrote in the
airport, and pulled it out.
Katie,
I'm so glad to see you, you have no idea. I'm really sorry I have to
go, but I do believe it's right for me. I just hope that someday,
you'll be able to forgive me. I just wanted you to know, that you are
more amazing than I could have ever dreamed of. You were the best
girlfriend ever. I just wanted you to know that. Please, remember
that, Katie. And dream of me, will you?
I will always wear this necklace.... always.
I love you. So very, very much. Please don't ever forget that. I
always will, and I'll always be your 'Billie.'
Goodbye, and I love you and miss you.
Jessie Sammler