Here Without You
Author's
notes:
Author's Note 2: Hope ya'll don't mind a really long story... last
time I checked, my word processor told me this was eight pages long,
so my deepest apologies if you don't like long stories! I've been
working on this one for awhile now, hence the reason that it's so
long.
Feedback:
Yes please! Gardenia1786@yahoo.com
The symbol ~ before and after a paragraph means memories.
**********
~
The miles just keep rolling
As the people leave there way to say hello
~
Katie relaxed into the driver's seat, replaying the previous night's
dreams in her head. She still had 7 hours to go, so she had a lot of
time to analyze, reanalyze, and even psychoanalyze her dreams. Last
night, was the best night she had had in a *very* long time.
'Maybe it was nothing, I should just chalk it up to seeing the
picture yesterday, or maybe I ate something weird... I knew I
shouldn't have had those tacos... Or maybe.... maybe it's just
because I really do miss her. Yeah, I do, don't I?' She contemplated
that for awhile longer, then glanced at the gas gage.
"Crap, need more gas..." she said aloud. She got off at the next
exit and pulled into the nearest gas station. After filling the tank
at an outrageous price, she got her money and went inside to pay the
attendant.
"Well, well. If it isn't Katie Singer. My, it sure has been a long
while." Katie froze when she heard the voice from behind her in
line. She closed her eyes and grimaced. 'please no.' she thought.
She opened her eyes and slowly turned around. 'Damn.' Sarah Grasser.
She put on a fake smile.
"Hello, Sarah. What are you doing here?" Sarah gave her a once over,
her eyes showing that she still had feelings for Katie. She returned
Katie's stiff smile and shrugged.
"Just heading home for the holidays. You?" Katie nodded, but didn't
want to go into detail about where she was coming from, and where
exactly she was staying. Thankfully, her turn in line was next, so
she eagerly paid the attendant, and faced Sarah again.
"Well, it was nice seeing you, but I've got to go." Sarah nodded.
"Well, I just saw you over here in line so I thought I'd say 'hi'.
Can I walk you out to your car or something?" Katie shivered at the
thought. After the way Sarah treated her, and especially Jessie, she
didn't want anything to do with her.
"No thanks, that really wouldn't be necessary." Sarah shrugged.
"Suit yourself. Have a nice life" and with that she walked off, much
to Katie's relief. Katie made her way out of the station. She got
back in her car, put her seat belt on, [my shout out to highway
safety :-)] and took off. Seeing Sarah again was a shock. It brought
back a flood of memories... this time she didn't push them away.
~
I've heard this life is overrated,
But I hope that it gets better as we go.
~
Jessie was still shocked about what she had dreamt the night before.
After she woke up, she had a difficult time getting back to sleep...
she got in maybe four hours, which wasn't that bad, but she normally
tried to get in at least six.
She tried to focus on her work, but focus wasn't coming. She finally
pushed away from her desk in frustration. What was the point
anyways? Ultimately it didn't really matter. She had plenty of time.
She was one of the best lawyers, and her working that day really
didn't matter. The holidays were coming up, and she hadn't been home
for ages. She hadn't had a decent vacation for at least two years.
She was going to go home, see the family. She missed them.
So funny, wasn't it? While she was living there, she couldn't wait
to get away. But now that she's gone and living on her own, she
wants to go home. She laughed ruefully at that realization.
Something was drawing her home, and while her family had something
to do with it, she didn't think that that was the whole reason, tho
she tried to convince herself that it was. There was something
else... someone else. Though she denied it, it was still there.
Katie. She shook her head, then called her secretary.
"Joan?"
"Yes m'am?"
"Hold all calls for today... no, make that for the rest of the
week." She paused, "I'm going home to see my family."
"Ok, do you know when you'll be back?" Jessie thought for a second.
"Sometime after the holidays. I'll call if there are any changes."
"Yes m'am." And the intercom clicked off
Jessie started going around her office, collecting anything that she
may need for the next week or so, her laptop, cell phone, pager. All
the necessities.
She thought about who she may need to call to tell that she was
leaving. She went through a list of people that she occasionally
talked to, but couldn't come up with anyone. She shook her head
again.
"Friends are overrated anyways. Ha! Life is overrated." She smirked
at that. There was a time, a long while ago, that she would have
been horrified to think that, but now wasn't that time. Truthfully,
she was lonely, she missed having people by her side, or at least
one special person by her side.
"Oh well," she mused, "I guess things can't get much worse." And
with that, she walked out of her office and down the streets of New
York to her apartment.
~
I'm here without you baby,
But you're still on my lonely mind
~
The memories, so real, like they just happened yesterday.
~The play... Jessie's costume... 'I choose you'... 'listen to the
rain'... the sweater... 'cozy'... Billie Holiday... 'sing to
me... 'I wanna live on a ranch'... 'I want a loft, in London'...
staring at each other till Lily came in... Jessie avoiding her...
the letter... the argument... the hug... 'I can't throw it away. I
want to keep it forever'... and finally... the kiss.~
Katie's eyes misted over at the memories of her friendship with
Jessie ultimately leading up to their relationship.
~And after that, the stolen kisses... in the refrigerator.... the
driveway... empty classrooms... Jessie's room. "I love you"... "I
love you too." Hiding from everyone, keeping it all a secret, when
all she really wanted to do was scream it from the rooftops that she
loved Jessie.~
Katie couldn't help but smile. She had been good to Jessie, but
Jessie had been just as good to her. They loved each other, the were
in love. But it wasn't to last. 'Amazing what silly things could
break people up, wasn't it?' she mused. Their breakup. Katie had
always thought they'd be together forever. Part of her still did, so
their breakup, though it was mutual, was still a shock.
~*~Flashback~*~
"Hey babe!" Katie yelled at Jessie across the room. Jessie blushed
and looked away, then, when she realized no one else was looking,
flashed Katie a big grin. Katie started making her way over to
Jessie and enveloped her in a hug.
"So, whats up?" She asked. Jessie shrugged.
"Not much, you?" Jessie asked as she wiggled her way out of Katie's
embrace. Hurt crossed Katie's features, and Jessie half regretted it
immediately. Jessie knew she felt something for Katie, something
very real... love even? She wasn't sure. She'd never been in love
before. But whatever she felt towards Katie, she was still confused.
Because she loved, or liked, or whatevered Katie, did that make her
gay? The thought scared her. Being gay wasn't exactly forbidden, her
family would learn to accept her the way she was, but it would take
a long time for them to get used to it... or would they? And what
about her friends? She could remember long ago them making fun of
gay people, now what? Would they abandon her, would they make fun of
her? And would her family really be that accepting? She shivered.
This didn't go unnoticed by Katie.
"Are you cold? Here, take my jacket." Jessie looked at her, somewhat
confused.
"Um, no, I'm fine..."
"Oh, ok, I just thought you may be cold, cause you shivered and all."
"No, I'm fine... listen, I've got to go, I promised mom that I'd be
home early to help her with some stuff." Katie was a bit concerned,
this is exactly how Jessie avoided before.
"Do you want me to come over and help you?" Jessie thought about
this for a second. Of course she wanted to be near Katie, to be able
to hold and kiss her, and to be held and kissed by her, but she
needed some time to think, to clear her head. She needed to figure
out what was going on.
"Not right now, besides, it would be boring for you." She said.
Katie's face fell, she looked down at her feet, for her shoes had
suddenly become very interesting. She felt as if she were about to
cry. Jessie was doing it to her again, only this time Jessie knew
how Katie felt, and would be breaking her heart. Jessie saw the
change in Katie's demeanor and felt bad.
"But you can come by a bit later, maybe we could hang out or watch a
movie?" Katie looked up and felt relief washed over her. Jessie
wasn't trying to avoid her, she wanted to spend some time that night
with her. Katie nodded.
"Yeah... yeah, that sounds good. What time do you want me to be over
by?" Jessie tilted her head and pretended to think as she studied
her best friend's (or was it her girlfriend's?) features. She was so
beautiful. Jessie felt as her heart leapt, and had to resist the
urge to drag Katie into a dark corner and kiss her for the rest of
her days.
"Ummm, how does 7 sound?" Even as Jessie said it, she knew that she
wanted to see Katie before that, but she needed some time to think
about everything.
"Yeah, 7 sounds fine." Katie paused, debating whether it'd be wise
to try to get a kiss before she left. She decided against it,
considering how Jess acted when she hugged her.
"Then 7 it is. See you then!" Katie began to walk away when Jessie
grabbed her arm and pulled her into the nearest bathroom. After
checking to make sure no one else was in there she pushed Katie up
against the door and kissed her with all her might. As she drew
back, she opened her eyes, and saw Katie was still standing there
with her eyes closed with a dreamy, and very surprised look on her
adorable face.
"See you at 7." Jessie winked and walked out of the bathroom,
leaving a stunned, yet very happy Katie in her wake.
~*~ End flashback~*~
~
I think about you baby,
And I dream about you all the time
~
Jessie was thinking about the same thing as she finished packing and
settled down in her bed for that night. She still smiled when she
remember dragging Katie into the bathroom and surprising her with
the kiss. It was so unlike her, she wasn't normally that courageous,
but she wanted to prove to Katie that as far as she knew her
feelings hadn't changed. She thought about it all as she drifted off
to sleep.
~*~ Dream/Flashback~*~
Jessie laid on the bed in her room at Karen's house contemplating
what to do next. Her father had let her stay there with her mother
while they moved to Australia for a couple of years. She kind of
missed her room in the attic, but either way she wouldn't have it
back for another couple of years.
'But about Katie...' she thought. 'What do I feel towards her? Do I
really love her? What is love?" She mused about these things for
quite a long time. One thing that she knew for sure was that she was
attracted to Katie, and that she loved to touch her and kiss her,
but she wondered if it was anything more than a mere physical
attraction?
'No, it must be more.' She figured. She loved Katie before Katie
wrote her the letter, she just didn't know to what extent. Before
she loved her as a friend... as her best friend. Her love grew out
of friendship, into an attraction, and now it was growing into
something much more. Jessie wasn't sure if what she felt was strong
enough to be considered love yet, but she did know that she was in
some serious like. She also knew that these feelings towards Katie
grew stronger each and every day.
She was falling in love with Katie... hard and fast.
'So I'm falling in love with Katie,' she conceded, but that still
left her wondering how far she wanted it to go, how open would she
be with everyone? Did she want to tell her family, her
friends? "No." She stated to no one in particular. That was
something she could not... would not do. If she were to have a
relationship with Katie, no one else must know about it. That was
it, end of discussion. Her mind was made up. And not too soon,
because after she made that declaration she heard a knock at the
door. She jumped, it surprised her, for she was deep in thought.
"Come in." she yelled, and the door opened, revealing her
girlfriend. Jessie's heart leapt at the sight of her. Every time she
saw Katie she felt so very lucky that she was able to see, feel,
touch, smell, and taste her. Being around Katie intoxicated her, to
the point that sometimes she didn't think she'd be able to stand or
form complete sentences. And she enjoyed that very much.
"Hey babe," Katie said as she walked in the room and sat on the edge
of the bed. Jessie's hands flew out to touch her as they did most of
the time that Katie was around. It's like they had a mind of their
own, when Katie was there, her hands had to be touching her in some
way. Today they tangled themselves in her hair and Jessie drew Katie
down to her for a kiss.
"Come here," she commanded and Katie willingly obeyed. They shared a
slow and lazy kiss that lasted for what seemed like ages. Katie
slowly pulled back, her eyes full of love and desire.
"I think I'm falling in love with you." Jessie said. She she didn't
really mean to say it, it just kind of tumbled out. She closed her
eyes and turned away as she felt the tears began to form. She wasn't
sure how Katie would react to this when she felt Katie's hand on her
cheek, turning her face back towards her. The next thing she felt
was Katie's lips covering hers in the softest kiss... then her lips
become increasingly firmer. It was an amazing kiss, filled with so
much love and passion. When Katie pulled back she cupped Jessie's
cheeks in her hands.
"I love you too, don't you know that?" Jessie smiled and looked up
at Katie, her eyes glowing. They rested their foreheads together,
one of their favorite things to do, and just stared into each
other's eyes for awhile.
~*~School, the next day~*~
"JESSIE!" Katie called from across the hall. "LUNCH?" Jessie nodded
her head and Katie made the international 'I love you' symbol.
Jessie caught it out of the corner of her eye as she turned away and
blushed bright crimson. She'd have to talk to Katie about that. No
saying stuff or making gestures like that in public. She just
couldn't deal with it. 'Katie will have to understand' Jessie
thought to herself as she made her way to class.
~*~ End Dream/Flashback~*~
~
I'm here without you baby,
But you're still with me in my dreams,
And tonight girl, it's only you and me.
~
'It's just so sad' was the common phrase people used to describe
their break up. Many people, herself included, thought that it would
last forever. She remembered that, after Tad got over the initial
shock of Katie dating the girl that had turned him down, he was
quite happy for them both. He had told her many times while she and
Jessie were dating that she was one of the luckiest girls in the
world, and she shouldn't take it for granted at all. Katie took that
to heart, and she didn't take her for granted, in fact she treated
her the exact opposite. Jessie was her queen, her goddess, and she
wouldn't do anything to ever harm her, and would do just about
anything to keep holding on to her. Not until that fateful day at
Jessie's house when everything changed....
~*~Flashback~*~
"Hey" Katie said as she put her tray down on the lunch table, took
the seat next to Jessie and gave her a quick peck on the cheek.
Jessie turned a bright shade of red and looked away. Katie didn't
notice and began to eat her food.
"Can you believe this stuff?" She said, referring to the food, "I
mean, it's totally nasty. I don't know how they pass the inspections
every year, this place has got to be disgusting..." She went off for
a bit, but Jessie wasn't paying attention. When Katie finally
realized that her audience wasn't as attentive as usual she looked
over at Jessie, who was staring out into space, and tapped her on
the shoulder.
"Helloooooo, earth to Jessie?" She said. Jessie turned to look at
her and Katie began to take her next bite.
"Katie, we need to talk." As soon as she heard those words she
didn't feel like eating much else at all. She slowly put her fork
down into the gray/brow goo they called beef casserole and turned to
look at Jessie. 'oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no...' was the chorus that
repeated itself in her head.
"Umm... ok." She said, not sure exactly how to act or
respond. "Whats up?" Jessie shook her head.
"Not here, not now." She said, and began to play with her food.
Katie was the most scared that she'd ever been in her entire life.
"When then?" Katie asked, somewhat timidly. Jessie thought for a
second.
"Meet me at my house after school." Katie began to ask which house
she meant when she realized she only had one house now and mentally
beat herself over the head. Jessie looked at her watch and picked up
her tray.
"It's about time for class." She said. "Better be going before
you're late." And with that, she walked away.
Katie moped through the rest of the day, dreading that afternoon.
She couldn't imagine what Jessie wanted to talk to her about...
unless... unless she wanted to break up. The thought alone killed
her.
Jessie meant the world to her, more than anyone or anything ever had
before. Jessie was her world, her sun, her moon, her stars... her
universe. It seemed like for the last several weeks, Jessie was her
life. Knowing that she would see Jessie that day made her drag
herself out of bed. It made her want make herself look presentable
every morning. It made her happy. Not just happy, it made her
overjoyed. Just knowing that she'd see Jessie was all it took to put
a smile on her face.
But now she was worried. She loved Jessie, and she thought Jessie
loved her. She'd said as much the night before. Katie wrestled with
that till the end of the day, barely paying attention in any of her
classes.
The last bell of the day rang, and Katie absentmindedly gathered her
stuff and took it all back to her locker. She then set out to find
Jessie, and to give her a ride home. It wasn't a hard task, because
Jessie was standing at her own locker, fussing with some of the
books that didn't want to fit. She finally got them in and turned
around, noticing Katie was there for the first time.
"Ready to go?" Katie asked. Jessie nodded, and they made their way
out to Katie's red '98 Jeep Wrangler. They got in, and Jessie turned
on the radio. 'Guess she doesn't want to talk now, eh?' They drove
to Jessie's house in silence, except for the music blaring over the
radio.
When they got to Jessie's house, Katie turned the car off.
"Jess, I've been worried all day, whats up?" Jessie tugged on her
arm.
"I'll tell you inside." she said as they got out of the car and
headed in the house. Once they got inside, they headed up to
Jessie's room, where she closed the door. Katie sat awkwardly on the
bed, and Jessie came over and sat next to her.
"Whats going on..." she started to say, but was interrupted by
Jessie's lips on hers. 'Ehm, well, if this is what she wanted
to 'talk about', then I'm all for it.' she thought. After several
minutes, they broke apart and rested their foreheads together.
Jessie looked into Katie's eyes.
"Katie..." she said "I want... I need to talk to you about
something." Katie sat up straight and nodded. Jessie took a deep
breath, and attempted to keep her eyes locked with Katie's, tho
every nerve in her body told her to look away. She didn't want to
see the hurt cross Katie's features when she told her what she was
about to tell her.
"Katie, I don't want to tell anyone about this... us." Katie stared
at her blankly. Maybe she hadn't quite understood.
"Um, huh?" Jessie tried again. "I don't want to tell anyone about
us." Katie nodded her head in understanding. Truthfully, she didn't
understand, but she wanted to know what Jessie was thinking.
"Mind if I ask why?" Jessie closed her eyes for a moment. When she
opened her eyes again, tears were forming. She had to look away, she
couldn't bare to look at Katie's face right then.
"Because I'm just getting my life back together. I can finally walk
through the halls and not be made fun of because of my anorexia. I
just don't know if I could stand being called gay. And I don't know
what my parents would say, if they found out their only daughter was
gay. They would be hurt, upset, and confused. And disappointed. I
just don't want to do that to them again." She looked over into
Katie's eyes and tried to read the emotions running through them.
There was a long silence before Katie said something.
"Gay, is that what you think we, or I am?"
"Well, aren't you? What about you and Sarah, and even Tara? What
about them? Doesn't liking more than one person of the same gender
make you gay?" Katie shook her head.
"Where did you ever get the idea about me and Sarah, and how did you
ever find out about Tara?" Jessie opened her mouth to answer, but
Katie waved her hand to silence her. "Regardless, Sarah was my
friend, *only* my friend. She kissed me one day, and I kinda kissed
back, but besides that, we were only friends. Nothing more. I guess
that kind of made her think that we were an item, but it didn't
*mean* anything to me. As for Tara, well, she was my best friend a
couple of years back, but her family moved away. That's about the
time Sarah and I became friends." Jessie nodded, her mind in a haze,
wondering why she ever, even for a second, believed Sarah. But Katie
wasn't finished.
"Jessie, we aren't gay. We love each other for who we are. I'm still
Katie, the same Katie that you knew and loved a month and a half
ago... and you're still Jessie, the same sweet and adorable Jessie.
You think we're gay? No. It's me, Katie, in love with you, Jessie.
That doesn't make us gay."
Jessie couldn't take it anymore. She was so confused. She didn't
know what was going on anymore. Katie sat there, waiting... waiting
for her reaction, her answer... anything. Jessie stood up and
grabbed Katie's arm.
"You need to go. Now." Jessie said, as she dragged her towards the
door.
"Jessie, please, let's talk about this. I didn't mean to upset you.
I love you. Please, don't shut me out." Katie pleaded, but Jessie
couldn't deal with this right now.
"I'm sorry. I just need to be alone." She said as she placed a quick
peck on Katie's cheek and pushed her out the door.
Katie turned around and stared at the shut door behind her, and felt
as the tears came and began to fall. She wasn't sure if she should
go back up to the door, to knock and beg Jessie to let her in, so
they could discuss things, but she ultimately decided against it.
She walked to her car, got in, and drove away... the tears falling
freely.
~*~End Flashback~*~