Looking
Disclaimer #1: I don't own any of these characters. They all belong to
ABC, or Disney, or that Herskovitz guy, or…the point is they're not mine.
Disclaimer #2: I think I need to say right away that I may have
unintentionally copied some other authors. I swear I never meant to, but after
reading everyone else's awesome stories so many times, I don't even know which
ideas are mine and which ones came from another story. Anyway, I'm really sorry
if I did that, but hopefully you'll be flattered.
Feedback: Please, let me know what you think, even if you think it sucks.
Summary: A lot of flashbacks as Katie reminisces about the evolution of
her relationship with Jessie.
Thanks: A big thanks goes to I_sa. Thanks for being so generous with your
time and so gentle on my ego (and for being so willing to put up with my
near-endless rambling). Dude, you're the best!
A/N: There's a lot of flashbacks in this story so \\\\ means the
beginning of a flashback, and //// means the end. If we're lucky, that won't be
too confusing.
**********
As I watch her putting away the perfectly folded clothes, I'm left with one
recurring thought: we shouldn't be together. Seriously, there were so many
things in the way that by all rights, we never should have gotten together, and
we certainly shouldn't have stayed together. On the surface it appears to make
no sense whatsoever. On paper it looks absurd. But I think that's why I like it.
It's only for us to understand.
I've tried to explain it to people but they only end up giving me a look that
says they have no idea what I'm talking about and just want to change the
subject. They always regret mentioning her because I inevitably end up going on
and on, but never really getting anywhere with my explanation. It's like an
inside joke, only it's not funny. What Jessie and I have is nothing to
laugh at. It's something to hang on to for dear life because I don't know what
I'd do if I lost it. I guess I'd…well, I'd lose it.
In high school, we really didn't make much sense as friends. She was younger
than me for one thing (still is actually). There are certain…not exactly rules,
more like codes of behaviour concerning crossing grade boundaries. People didn't
understand why I wanted to be friends with her. She was so shy and they couldn't
see past it. They didn't get why a popular girl with almost a school-full of
kids desperate to be her friend would make the effort to seek out a quiet
sophomore. Even then, I couldn't explain it. I blamed it on the fact that
most of the kids in that school were too shallow to understand, too unwilling to
actually get to know a person for more than the brand of clothes they wore. I
was too young to realize that I had found my soulmate.
God, that sounds so cheesy, `soulmate'. But talking about her turns me into a
sap. I find myself saying things like `love of my life', `meant to be', and
`pulled together by forces in the universe beyond our understanding or control'.
Well, maybe that last one doesn't find its way into my everyday conversations,
but I catch myself saying the other ones an awful lot.
Anyway, back to high school. After a few bumps in the road, Jessie figured out
she felt the same way about me and it was the happiest day of my life to that
point. I soon had a new happiest day when she told me she loved me for the first
time.
\\\\
We were up in Jessie's attic, sitting on the floor working on homework. I was
having a tough time with some stupid trigonometry problem, and sometimes when I
concentrate really hard I make funny faces without knowing it. I bite my lip or
scrunch up my face, and I've even been known to talk to myself. Well, I suddenly
became aware of Jessie watching me with amusement and affection in her eyes.
Apparently we were both ready for a study-break.
"Whatcha lookin' at?" I asked.
"What's it to ya?" she answered back cheekily.
"Why Jessie! Are you giving me attitude?!?" I asked with a fake-shocked
expression.
"And what if I am?" Jessie replied, obviously feeling very playful.
"Well," I started, crawling over the piles of books to where she was leaning
against her bed, and sitting down next to her. "If that's the case, I'll just
have to teach you a lesson in how to respect your elders." With that, I reached
up and brushed her hair out of her eyes and studied her face. Now that the
joking was gone from my voice, I said in all seriousness, almost whispering to
myself, "You are so beautiful."
She looked at me surprised for a second. I think she was taken aback by the
emotion behind what I'd said. I couldn't wait any longer and leaned in and
kissed her. It started out slowly. I was in no rush and wanted to take my time
and enjoy the feelings that kissing Jessie always stirred up. Eventually the
kiss deepened and I felt her tongue brush ever so lightly along my bottom lip. I
was surprised that she was the one to take things further, but I gladly followed
her lead. Slowly, I felt Jessie's arms wrap around my neck and she buried
her hands in my hair. I brought my arms about her waist and pulled her closer to
me. By now, I was completely lost in the sensations of the best kiss I had ever
experienced. It was still slow, but becoming increasingly heated.
Finally, Jessie eased herself away, but pulled back only a little. Our faces
were just inches apart, her arms still around my neck. She looked at me with
adoring eyes and calmly said, "I love you."
I was in shock. I had always thought that I would be the first one to say the
words, but she beat me to it. I was never so happy to have not been first. After
a few seconds I realized I hadn't said anything and thought it might be making
Jessie nervous, but it wasn't. She was still looking at me, smiling serenely.
When I was able to speak again I answered, "Jess, I love you too. So much." I
realized my voice sounded almost frantic because I was desperate to convey to
her just how strongly I felt.
"I know you do," she said calmly, confusing me completely. She chuckled at my
puzzled expression and explained, "Katie I know you love me because you show me
everyday in a thousand little ways. I know you love me because of the way you
always let me pick what movie we'll go see. I know you love me because when we
stay in and pig out on junk food, you make sure I don't get any of the burnt
popcorn in my bowl and you take it all yourself. I know because even though you
only get to program one radio button in your mom's car, it's on my favourite
station. I know you love me because of the way you'll hold me for hours when I'm
upset. But most of all, I know you love me because I can feel it every time you
look at me, every time you hold my hand, and every time you kiss me. Katie, I'm
the luckiest girl in the world because I have you, and I want you to know that I
love you too." She leaned her forehead against mine, closed her eyes and
smiled.
Now how in the world was I supposed to respond to that? I couldn't, especially
not with tears running down my cheeks, so I did the only thing I could do. I
kissed her again.
/////