i ho'okahi kahi ke aloha - Surfer's Heartache
PART 5
Jessie storms into their lodge, she slams the door into its lock and walks into
her bedroom. She should have known, that was a bad idea to spent her
Spring-Break on Maui. If she had stayed at home, she would have forgotten Katie
sooner or later. How cares about teenage love? Or first love... whatever you
want to call it. It wasn't for real... she now knew... and she wouldn't be so
stupid to fall for Katie again. Never. Maybe she loved her... maybe... but it's
over. Forever. There is no turning back, no second chance. Nothing, but leaving
and forgetting. Jessie takes her suitcase and throws it onto her bed, starting
to gather her clothes together. How could Katie do something like this to her?
She thought she knew her... this wasn't Katie. This couldn't be Katie. Jessie is
so angry she doesn't even notice the tears that are leaving wet, salty trails on
her cheeks. It felt so right last night. She knew that if they had hugged for
just a few seconds longer, they would haven fallen upon each other. Katie must
have felt the tension too... it was there, it was almost solid enough to grab
it... she couldn't make this up, too. But now face it, Jess! She's in love with
a guy named Rome. Great!
When she takes the suitcase from the bed, it hits her. She can't leave the
island. Eli has got the tickets and there was no way she was going to go back to
the beach. She sighs and sits down onto her bad. Her fury subsides. It's
replaced by grief and the most painful heartache she has ever had. Just about
then she notices her own tears. Her eyes were aching, she must have cried since
she has left the beach. This wasn't fair. But life hasn't been fair to her since
she was able to think, so why should it be now?
"Why... what?" Katie tries hard to keep her composure. Her hands are trembling.
Eli stands up and gets their stuff together, folding the towel and packing their
things into a rucksack. This is too much for a guy like him. He loved harmony...
and being truthful. But those two girls are lying to each other... well, ok,
they don't talk... but that's almost like lying. Couldn't Katie have told Jessie
that she had someone else? Instead of making her believe that there was still
something between them.
"You should have told her." He stated, barely looking at Katie.
"What?" If she didn't know better, she would have thought this was a grotesque
nightmare. She hadn't been there, she didn't do anything.
"You know what. It's enough you hurt her one time... but a second time. I
thought you loved her. I'm a big player when it comes to girls, I know, but even
I'm truthful. Sorry, Katie."
Then he turns to Katie and almost stumbles over his own feet and words. Katie is
obviously almost bursting out in tears. Why? He eyed her for a second. Someone
who was madly in love with a handsome surfer wouldn't look that hurt. Girls are
complicated he always knew, but those two do their best to confuse everyone
close to them. Leaving is a good idea... he thinks... helping his sister,
comforting her... He didn't expect his holidays to develop this way... he really
didn't.
Without saying another word he walks towards the path that leads to the town.
Katie couldn't explain to herself what went wrong. When has she hurt Jessie a
second time? So this isn't about her leaving her one and a half year ago? Then
what is it about? Yesterday? It was Jessie who wanted to leave, not her... maybe
about the part when... oh, god... when I accidentally kissed her neck. If Jessie
didn't want it to mean anything, it wouldn't mean anything. It was just... old
habit... something like this. And it felt so damn right... It was simply a
slight kiss. Nothing wet and steamy... Nothing: "Hop into my bed, honey." Just
her lips escaping her control for a moment and developing a life of their own.
Katie stands there, stunned, petrified and her heart slowly cracking into
thousands of little pieces.
That has always been their problem. They don't talk. They just act. They never
really talked about what was happening between them... How often did they
exchange "I love you"'s, not that it was very important saying it all the
time... because their lives definitely aren't part of a damn soap-opera... but
how often did they actually tell each other how deeply they cared? Of course,
somehow they just knew... Katie just knew... but... one time! One single time...
one poor "I love you"... Great Kat! And that was the love of your life? And
when? Do you remember when? Of course... Jessie lying on top of me... wrapped
around me... holding me close like mad... her breath on my skin... and me?
Almost unconscious from happiness, love and... ok... well... climaxing... so
damn... wonderful, so I remember! This thought will haunt me for the rest of the
day. Can I work this out? Maybe talking to her is the best I can do. Explaining
everything, declaring my love and... ok, forget the last one... doesn't look
like she would want to hear it... Now! Go! Now!
Suddenly a hand grabs her shoulder.
"Hey, kahuna."
Katie turns around, facing Rome, who smiles at her broadly.
"What's up? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"Nothing. I just have to deal with a few things..." It hurt... the memory of
Jessie growling at her hurt. She couldn't face her.
"Can I help, ipo?"
Not that again! I have too much other problems. Katie shots an angry glare at
Rome and hopes it is enough.
"You remember what I told you about calling me ipo, don't you?"
All of a sudden something changes.
"I don't care, Kat," Rome almost screams, his face disfigured from
disappointment, "I don't want to deny anymore... that's what you're to me... ipo...
nothing less. Don't tell me there's nothing between us!"
Katie closes her eyes. This day was getting worse with every minute. She doesn't
want to cope with Rome's crush on her now. Jessie is first. Jessie is the most
important right now.
"Rome, leave me alone! Hele pa'la!"
After Jessie has calmed down a bit, she decided to take a walk through the town,
to distract herself a little. She has survived the last year without Katie and
she will survive the rest of her life, too. Forgetting is hard, it'll take some
time... so she shouldn't waste her time and start with forgetting right now.
Katie went on, lived her life and so will Jessie. No love lasts forever
On her way to Jessie's and Eli's lodge Katie has to walk through the town
centre, through crowds of tourists, past several little shops, selling Hawaiian
craftwork, surfboards and refreshments. Nothing spectacular.
Katie feels the hot ground under her feet, heated up by the sun. Heat! I can't
stand it anymore... I need... rain, snow... wearing warm boots and a woollen
cap. Yes, it's unbelievable, but one can get fed up with wearing bikinis all the
time. Lying in front of a fireplace, Jessie in her arms... wait... maybe she has
to give up the thought of Jessie in her arms. Wasn't that what she wants to
change right now? Solve their problems?
A young woman carrying her child on her arm barged into Katie. Her gaze follows
her... long, blonde hair... like Jessie... she's everywhere! Katie sighs. She
had known that if she saw her again, she would fall hard for her a second time.
Now, she has seen her... and what happened? In love again... I'll never forget
her... never... look over there! Another blonde girl! Katie stops and looks
across the street... is it? Oh, my god! It's Jessie.
Jessie is on her way to a small supermarket on the other end of the town, she
decided that lunch would be necessary, even though she doesn't feel like
eating... there is still this foul feeling grumbling in her stomach. Katie with
a guy! Knowing it makes her physically sick... vomiting really seems to develop
into a serious option... to get rid of all those emotions. Then she suddenly
senses something... something pricking her skin... she can't withstand the
impulse to look up.
Oh, damn! She noticed me! Katie's thoughts began to ramble through her mind...
Should she go to her? Talk to her... like... like... right now? Those eyes...
those eyes... her stomach started tossing... butterflies banging against its
walls... She looks angry... very angry... I can't talk to her... Oh, hold on,
Jess! Don't go away! Please don't! Wait! I've got to...
"... tell you something." She whispered to herself, when Jessie turns around
and walks away.
For just a few seconds Katie considers following her, but it doesn't seem to be
a good idea. She has never seen Jessie this annoyed... she doesn't feel
self-confident enough to face Jessie's fury right now. There must be a reason
why she's so cross. This one single kiss which was barely a kiss... even Katie
had to think about it... to realize it was a kiss... couldn't be enough.
Yesterday everything seemed to be ok. Jessie was so eager to see her again...
Katie had heard it in her voice, she was sure.
She decided to visit Eli. He seemed to know what was going on... ok, that was
something Katie just assumed, but it was an option. If she knew what was going
on, she could probably explain Jessie...
"Hui! Eli? Eli? Are you home?" She's standing on the porch to their
lodge, so afraid, that she has started to fidget.
There was no answer. But after a few seconds Eli opens the door.
"Can't you knock?"
"Sorry... it's a Hawaiian custom not to knock... they think it's more polite
to..." Katie tried to explain, suddenly feeling extremely insecure.
"Whatever! What do you want? Jessie isn't here and I think even if she was here,
she wouldn't want to see you."
"That's why I'm here," she doesn't dare to look Eli straight in the eye, "I
don't understand what's going on. You said, I should know, why she's so...
disappointed... but I don't..."
"You don't? Can't you imagine why?"
"No! I didn't do anything..."
"Except for not telling Jessie, that you have a new boyfriend!" Eli growls.
Katie's face becomes pale... white... close to fainting. Boyfriend? Has Eli just
said the word boyfriend? Boyfriend like... a guy I'm sharing life and bed with?
Me? Who?
"Who? ... I mean," Katie stutters, "I... I don't have a boyfriend... I... I'm
gay! I always have been and I always will be... Where does this idea come from?
Jessie is the best to know that I'm... well, " she clears her throat, "I... I'm
extremely gay..."
While justifying herself, defending herself... completely in shock... she
forgets what was the closest thought.
"Rome!" Eli just said, suddenly realizing that he had been lied to.
"Rome? He's definitely not my boyfriend... we're close, but we're just friends."
"That doesn't seem to be what he thinks. He told us, that you two are a
couple... a few minutes before you asked Jessie to have lunch with you."
Rome? He's a dead man! This time her hands start to shake, not from fear, not
from nervousness... but from rage. She hasn't expected that his crush would end
up this way. She thought he would come over it. That they could be real
friends... he had definitely thrown away this opportunity.
"This boaster! I'll kill him!" Katie mumbled, while going away, leaving Eli
standing on the porch.
Katie runs to the beach to the small hut, where Rome and his gang are hanging
out every day... and every night. She finds him sitting on a small stool, a
cigarette between his lips and laughing about a dirty joke one of his friends
has made.
Without saying something she starts knocking over the boards that are leaning
against the hut. She rips the sails of the masts... only then the guys notice
her, stop laughing and begin screaming. Katie ignores them and storms to Rome,
pulling him up from his stool. Rome is to shocked to react.
"Prick your ears, brah," Katie growls, "Stop telling all my friends this
shit about me! We're not a couple! We will never be!"
She throws him back onto his stool.
"I... I just said... we're close!"
"I don't believe you!"
Rome seeks for his composure and then growls in return.
"This Eli guy... likes you... he tries to make a pass at you. I didn't like
it... he's a nice guy, but I didn't want him to touch one of my girls... so I
told him we date."
"Eli? God! Rome! Face it, I'm not in love with you! And I'm definitely not in
love with Eli! You are going to screw up our friendship with this shit, don't
you see?"
He shrugs his shoulder, suddenly kind of embarrassed. All his friends are
listening...
"But I... you said... we..."
"Rome! Stop! I...," Katie sighs, she didn't intend to tell him, especially in
front of the whole gang, "I... Rome, there's never going to be something between
you and me... or between me and any other guy... I'm gay."
Rome's expression frowns.
"Gay? You're the hottest chick on the beach. How can you possibly be gay...
so... ahh... now, I understand... you and Eli's sister... That's hilarious," he
starts laughing madly, "she can't give you what I can... or what any other guy
can! She's a skinny, naïve, stupid thing!"
With this Katie can't suppress her rage anymore... hits Rome... right on his
nose... making him stumble and fall over into the stand. His friends start
giggling.
"Say that again... and... and...," Katie suddenly realizes what she's doing,
"and..."
One of the boys examines the boards, that Katie had knocked over. "Rome,
brah, look at this... that's you're competition board... it's... wow...
kind of broken..." He grins.
Rome can't believe what is happening to him. He lets his head fall into the sand
and closes his eyes.
"'Aiko la, Rome! 'Aiko la, Rome! I thought you were one of the
good guys here, but seems as if I was wrong." Katie states and walks away,
without giving Rome another chance to justify himself.
Katie sat on the veranda of her lodge the rest of the day, staring onto the
ocean into sun, listening to the noises from the beach and to the rushing of the
palm-trees above her head. Now she knew the reason... and while thinking about
it longer and longer... she suddenly realizes: If Jessie wasn't in love anymore,
she wouldn't be so depressed and irritated about her having a new boyfriend. So
that means... that she's still in love? That she's jealous? Jessie is jealous?
So, everything felt so right yesterday, because it actually was right... And if
it's not all about Rome? What if there's still this big Katie-left-Jessie-issue?
So she has to apologize? Of course! Apologize and declare you're love! Explain
everything! She loves you... maybe... big maybe... but a maybe... and maybe is
better than definitely not... All those troubles... serves you right, Kat! You
were so damn dumb... leaving Jessie? I mustn't have had all my marbles! I'll
humiliate myself... as always... as I did before... who cares? I miss her! I
want her back! I already lost everything including her... so what could happen
to me?
And while her thoughts ramble through her head, making her feel a bit dizzy and
shaky, she goes into her lodge, sits down at the only table and starts writing a
letter... a letter to Jessie.
Not that she wouldn't try to talk to her face to face, but she thought the
letter would be necessary in case of her passing out or... well, of if Jessie
doesn't want to listen... something like that. They have to talk, they never
really talked... just knowing wasn't enough as it seems.
She arrives at Eli's and Jessie's lodge. There was light and she could her
voices.... she knocks... her hands shaking madly... Calm down! There's nothing
you can loose except for your dignity!
"Eli? Jessie? I know someone is here!"
There's still no answer.
"Please! I've to explain something!" She pleads... suddenly feeling very, very
small...
The noises from the houses subside... everything falls silent... Jessie? Eli
would have come out... he did before... so Jessie's here... and she heard me.
Katie's heart started hammering against her chest... taking her breath away.
"Jess?" Katie says a bit more quiet.
"Jess... let me in! I want to talk to you... I can explain everything..."
No answer. Katie leans against the door... she knew it. Pa'akiki! She has
to smile... even though it is kind of inappropriate. Jessie has always been
stubborn... and she loves seeing her sulking and protesting until she gets what
she wants... The letter? Katie doesn't want to use the letter, she wants to talk
to Jessie... see her reaction...
"Then... then... I'll tell you here... and now... I'm definitely not dating
Rome! I can't believe that you trusted him with this... you know I... damn
Jess... I could never fall in love with a guy… with anyone..." but you. Katie
sighs and closes her eyes, her head still leaning against the door.
Time to tell the truth.
"I miss you... I've missed you the whole time... since I... since I left you...
I'm so sorry... I didn't want to leave... I was just so scared... I'm a dud! I
know! I miss you… Jess? Jess, do you hear me? Please! I miss you! I..." love
you.
The words got stuck in her mouth. She couldn't tell her... She isn't even sure
if Jessie listens... it's too embarrassing... too much... So she has no choice?
It must be the letter again? Why can't they just talk? Talk like everyone else
does.
She takes the letter out of her pocket and folds it again.
"Jess... I... I'll go now... but I'll leave a letter here... I knew you wouldn't
want to talk to me... so... just read it please... God, it's so embarrassing! I
don't even know if you listen now..."
On the other side of the door, Jessie is leaning against the door. She has
started to cry a few seconds ago... she has started crying with the first "I
miss you". So, it was her who screwed it this time! She should have talked to
Katie, ask her about Rome... She was so damn stupid just believing Rome. Katie
was right.. they needed to talk... She should fling open the door right now...
hug Katie like she never did before... fall upon her... tell her everything was
ok... that she was sorry too... that she understands...
Katie's hand strokes over the wooden door, her head still seeking hold in
leaning against it. Why do they have to get into such a mess? She kneels down,
pushes the letter under the door and starts to go away. After a few paces she
turns around again... but nothing has happened... so Jessie wasn't interested in
what she wrote? So Jessie doesn't want to know... she shook her head.. What else
could she do? And walks away...
Jessie opens the door and stumbles out... Where is she? Katie? She has already
gone away... Should she scream for her? She couldn't be so far away... but...
then she notices the letter. She picks it up and unfolds it.
Tears still rolling down her cheeks, she reads.
"Dear Jessie..."